Luscious Amsterdam:

Cities have helped me shape me, into me:

Again I find myself sitting on my balcony, though this time on a cooling springtime evening. There is nothing worrying about this; I have fallen in love with this balcony, and, even more, the plants that line its edges, creating an engulfing wall of green. I feel as if I am finding my voice in my writing, and coming into my own, as my mind continues to expand and take in the world. Europe and Amsterdam have, thus far, enriched and allowed my life to bloom in many ways that I could have never anticipated. If I were to truly zoom-out, which can be so terribly difficult at times, my life is unfolding wonderfully. And I might tell myself that I should tell myself that fact more often. Spring has finally arrived (for real this time), in Amsterdam. Happy am I that the summer days have returned, as has the high spring sun.

A church bell-tower rings in the distance, as the city strikes another hour. This signs the extension of light for at least – if not more – another hour. Many of the reasons I decided to move to the European continent surrounded many old and new world notions I admired, absorbed, and adopted. I wanted to design my life, and my lifestyle, which I had envisioned for myself; ideals accumulating, layering like a snowball, of who it is that I want to be in the world, and what I want that world around me should, and could, look like. Of all the city's I've lived in, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, and San Francisco have inspired me the most. There is, of course, a heavy accent of inspiration dashed upon my current city, though it was San Francisco that propelled me into the world.

The 'City by the Bay' was the first city I lived within, in which I chose to live. I was on my own, surrounded by no-one and yet everyone simultaneously; an ocean, public streetcars and – in this rare instance in the USA – trolleys, and lots of gay people like me who I knew would, once again, open my mind and my eyes to world I was nothing less than eager to experience, because I was so very unexperienced, in so many ways. What I did have was ambition, talent, and California sun that made my soul sparkle. That summer spent in San Francisco allowed my self confidence to firm, my insecurities to no longer viewed as such, by myself; the 'professional' workforce I had entered, and in a city that made me glitter, radiating infectious happiness to the energies around me. Exploring the city was my favorite pastime, as was running, reading, and going to the beach and the park. All components present in my life right now? Check.

Fashion I have begun to understand and decipher, drawing upon my observations and interactions from my time in both Amsterdam and Copenhagen; muted solid colors, all types of brown boots, and uncommon silhouetted pants have become my friends along this journey of mine. At this moment, I am able to support and enrich my life, and have, in many ways, become the self that I have always wanted. My life in this city continues to shock, surprise, and delight me. In many ways, I have planned most aspects of my life; after gaining my foundations – beginning alone in San Francisco – my life has within it everything I could have ever asked for, and more. Amusing it is that life cannot be planned. If I were zoom-out, again: I am happy, healthy, housed, and very much loved. No city alone could have given me all of these qualities; so, I am grateful going forward, for my experiences within them all. Cities have helped me shape me, into me.

Brightness

The sun is shining. It's Sunday morning. And right now I'm sitting on my balcony, outside, reveling in dune-like landscape that now fills the oversized planters that surround me. The not-often-seen springtime sun, and the accompanying light breeze are to be enjoyed; one warms me, and the other, paradoxically, counter-balances the sun's warmth. Plants and gardens have taken over my thoughts these past few weeks, a product of the influence of flower and plant focused media, which I have been heavily consuming. May Sarton and Dominique Browning have become, via pages filled with their words, my two great garden-escapist companions. What to escape from? Turbulence has shaken my inner core, over these past few months. And that turbulence is due to external forces. That turbulence I am tired from, and tired of, and it is within my power to rid myself, and my life, of it. What to do? Listening to Oprah's 2013 Harvard commencement address, yesterday, I couldn't help but adopt her idea that failure is only life pushing one into a more 'you' suited direction. Even though that direction might not seem to be the right one, during the theatrics one is within, that during which the world is forcing you to take this new enlightening direction. What am I within?  I remain puzzled and exasperated about not not knowing the full extent of the turbulence's source. But I do know something is happening within my orbit of energy; I am becoming quite wise, slowing down and appreciating what it is I have, while I have it, while never forgetting why I have it, and how it is that I'll maintain the appropriate levels of my self confidence in the face of adversary, opposition, or even joy. Is life pushing me into another direction, down another highway, road, or path? Or is it instead, perhaps, nudging me into the garden, or onto a less-worn path that may be slightly delineated, but in no way cleared for daily use. Which path is my own? Entering a transition in my life am I, and understanding how my life, and the energy I expel and consume within this life of mine, has developed over the course of my life. That subject continues to be a source of intrigue for my thoughts. Myself is a source to seek to improve, as always: though literary works, through writing, through thought; meta stimulation versus physical stimuli. To which do I find myself most attracted? ...A dual-prong; that's me.

On the opposite side of life, or within another circuit of it – as circuits must be connected – myself is smiling brighter than it ever has before.

Florals, for spring; groundbreaking:

Gables

Slowing down:

Slowing down and taking the time to enjoy each day's beautiful moments, which I would normally overlook, has become a prevailing theme of my life over the past few months. Since finishing Dominique Browning's lyrical memoir Slow Love last summer, and reading it again this spring, I too have been stopping to enjoy the often subtle and discreet magical moments the world constantly creates around me.

This morning, while washing a slightly soiled drinking cup in a slightly soiled kitchen sink, the bubbles that the stream of water flowing into the cup created – the soap suds – continuously overflowed the tall and transparently faceted drinking cup. As the bubbles piled over the rim, gathering below to form a cloud of white, those bubbles took my breathe away… I paused, watched them slip over into the sink, and allowed the beauty to sweep me off my feet, if only for five seconds. Nurturing was that short-lived moment.

People in Amsterdam: