Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Power of Consciousness:

Being conscious is what allows me to wake up in the morning and say: 'It's another brand new day; it's great to be alive; let's go!' It's consciousness that enables me to know which brand I prefer over another, and, for instance, which turn to take next when cycling through the city. As I grow older and realize that there is still so much, that's so far ahead of me. And it's reassuring to let myself know that, indeed, it's going to be ok–even if the outcome, of any given situation, is unbeknownst to me. But then, if it is true that I'm indeed conscious of the decisions that I'm making on a daily basis, should I not be, in some way, able to direct and guide my future? As the world is not linear and is rather a vast network in its workings, I doubt then, that even those resourceful enough, could pull enough of what they want into their sphere of the world to completely direct their futures. Making me realize I'm just another small dot in the bigger picture of it all. Mini-fires will come and go, and some will be put out, and others might burn uncontrolled. But I guess that's life in the respect that the future is just so hard to predict, let alone control.

While walking on the streets of Amsterdam–a real rarity for me, I tell you; I'd rather cycle–I often see men of an older age going about their day. Like today. While walking down the street I strode past a gray head of hair–an elderly man–who stood sporting a quite dapper plaid scarf, and a navy blue overcoat, peering through a reflection-blanketed display window and into the intoxicating world of retail beyond. I stopped and pondered what it was this man might be looking toward, or for. Lasting for all but a second, that thought–like a hyper-text–gave way to yet another, and I quickly found myself thinking about what it is I'll be doing when my head of hair is all gray, and my dapper scarf, too, keeps me warm on blustery days. Where is it that I'll be? Will that scarf keep me warm on the streets of Amsterdam, during a chilly springtime day in April; or will it keep me warm in Buenos Aires, where the seasons mirror, and April might instead might call for the addition of another layer. While I'd love to take for granted that I'll live in Amsterdam for the rest of my life, who really knows. I could stay here forever, or one day I could live in North America–hopefully still needing that roof for a shelter of two. But in the end, I have no idea what will happen. I know, though, that what makes me wake up each day, these days, is reason enough; so many wonderful events, milestones, opportunities, advancements, and sources of inspiration present themselves to me on any given day. What matters is how much of that I'm consciously aware of, and how much of that, I then in turn choose to process. Life is so open to entanglement, but which paths and subjects to entangle with?

These days I like to tell myself that what I'm doing is only leading to more exciting and enticing moments that will continue to enrich my life. For the most part I've been on a loosely-defined path my whole life, with a secret trajectory in the back of mind, that's only ever partially conceived and always seems to sort of gradient-off into an absolute dissolve, upon looking for any exact details as to any plan of action; that all becomes processed and worked out when needed. Professionally I am doing very exciting things; but if that professional side of me wouldn't be there, would I still be professional, and also, would I still be me? Good questions, answered somewhat in this podcast, in which the interviewee states, 'Who am I if I'm not m.roach@marthastewart.com?' Without any professional purpose my days would certainly have much less structure, and I would certainly have more time, but the regimented portions of my day would fall away–and I would have to find new ways to give meaning and structure to my life, as no one else will do that for me. I imagine what I'm attempting to express, is that, my interests throughout my life have always seemed to be a bit left-of-center and slightly disparate, yet all quite passionate, and only now have I begun to understand how it is that I've rolled them all into a calling that's lead me to collaborate with some of the greatest minds, which in turn has allowed me to build and expand my knowledge. Life in Amsterdam has provided me with the freedom to explore my interests, pursue them, and in return, enabled me to feel as though I'm contributing to the world around me, even though it might be in a tiny way–every bit counts.